Love Yourself

The phrase “love yourself” sounds so simple, but it is so complex for many people. When I hear that phrase these days, I can’t help but hear the voices of Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, and Meghan Trainor in my head. What does this phrase mean, and why are pop culture icons having to tell us to do something that seems so obvious (although JB is just venting in his song)? I have been thinking a lot about this idea of having self-love and self-compassion but not being “self-absorbed” in a negative way. Where did we lose our way so badly that we cannot tell the difference?

Working as a therapist intern, clients sit in my office so often and are completely worn down. They have love and compassion for everyone in their lives except themselves. They are chronically hard on themselves. I work at a Christian non-profit, and while I have clients from all different backgrounds, I do have a large number of clients who identify as Christians. It is sad to say that Christians often struggle with self-love the most. Why? Well, being a life-long Christian myself, I can say that I think we often misconstrue the messages of self-sacrifice and grace. When you are raised on lyrics like “such a wretch as I” and acronyms like “JOY - Jesus first, others next, yourself last,” the message you might get is “I’m the worst, and I don’t really matter.” We tend to praise people who have no personal boundaries and take care of everyone except themselves as “the most selfless person I know.” And we make this the gold standard of Christianity – especially for Christian women. Where does this get us eventually? It gets us in a therapist’s office in our 40’s or 50’s (or whenever we can’t take it anymore) talking about how we feel depleted and lost and depressed – and confused to boot. This was supposed to be the abundant life. Jesus put others first, and we are supposed to do the same. Why does this abundant life feel so…dark? People end up wondering, “How did doing everything for everyone else and denying myself of my own needs lead to a mental health diagnosis and anxiety meds”? (There is no shame in either of these things BTW) Many people even remain in abusive relationships because they believe they are doing the right thing by putting the abusive person above themselves. And here’s the kicker, lots of people will praise them for this – “You are so selfless!”.

Do we ever wonder why Jesus commanded us to “love others AS we love ourselves”? He didn’t say, “love others more than you love yourself” or “love others and hate yourself.” So, is there an indication here that loving others well requires loving ourselves first? I think so. It turns out that someone who views herself as a wretch and a worm does not a wonderful spouse, mother, daughter, friend, etc. make. Pouring constantly from an empty cup typically leads to exhaustion, bitterness, and resentment. And when you have no boundaries of self-care with the people in your life, you are at best modeling unhealthy behavior and at worst enabling abusive patterns in others.

So, what am I saying? Should we be selfish? Should we always demand our way? Should we ignore the needs of those around us? No! Loving yourself does not mean neglecting others. It means assigning equal value to your life as you do to everyone else’s. Do you want to make sure your kids have healthy meals and adequate rest? You can prioritize that for yourself too. Do you want your spouse to get to enjoy fun recreational activities on the weekend because he works so hard? Great! You can prioritize that for yourself too. When a friend makes a mistake in her life and is being hard on herself, do you tell her, “It’s ok. We all make mistakes. You are still amazing, and I love you.”? You can say that to yourself too! When you look at the people in your life, do you see them as wretches or as beautiful (if imperfect) people created in the image of God? The belief that a God who created us as imperfect people cannot love us because of those imperfections is absurd to me. Loving others well comes from a place of feeling known and loved by your creator. Being compassionate with yourself, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, trusting yourself as a competent person – these aren’t bad qualities. They are life-giving. They are healthy. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It is responsible – to everyone. Protecting yourself from those who are harming you is also not selfish. It is responsible. God gave you the ability to control the actions of exactly one person. Taking steps to care for that person is wise. Jesus himself modeled self-care in the gospels. In John 6:15, he fled from the people that were going to take him by force. In Matthew 12:15, he hid from the Pharisees, who wanted to harm him. In Matthew 14:13, he withdrew to a solitary place to process his grief over John the Baptist’s death.

Loving yourself and loving others are not two concepts that are in competition. They are two concepts that should be beautifully intertwined. It is a false dichotomy to think that you have to choose one or the other. Giving to others, taking the needs of others seriously, helping the people we love – these are beautiful and vitally important parts of life. But we should all remember that God gave us this one life to care for and nourish and use. We can and should give ourselves the same love and compassion that we give to the ones we love the most. And in honoring the one life that God gave us, we honor him as well. So, in the words of Justin Bieber (used terribly out of context), "You should go and love yourself."