It occurred to me this morning that yesterday marked one year since I had a difficult shoulder surgery. I fought having this surgery for a hard nine months, trying every other option to bring healing to my shoulder. I dealt with intense, nauseating pain for months because I would not let myself consider the possibility of being operated on while mothering 4 very young children. But finally I relented to the fact that there was no other option for healing than surgery. So under the "knife" I went. I won't bore you with all the details of that day and the ones after, but suffice it to say that it was hard. Having my dominant arm in a sling for 6 weeks and unable to lift with it for 12 was an extreme challenge. After those 12 weeks my right arm muscles were basically nonexistent (but my left arm was ripped like the Hulk). My therapist told me it would be 12 months before I was pain free - my surgeon told me 12 weeks (insert eye roll). But this morning I realized that I have crossed that mark, and I still have pain pretty much every day. Now don't get me wrong. I am sooooo glad I had the surgery. The pain I have now doesn't compare to what I had before. And now I have full usage of my right arm. I am not restricted from any activity. It may hurt, but I can do it without fear of further injury. But this morning I was playing with Brinley, and her elbow pressed into the spot where they reattached my bicep and almost brought me to tears. And that's when it hit me: It's been a year, and the pain is still here. I accepted this morning that this pain in my shoulder is probably always going to be there. It's likely never going to be "the same". You can hardly expect it to be when they cut and reattach a major muscle. But I had hoped for the best (as I always do). This pain that I carry now is a part of me. It goes with me and it possibly always will. So what do I do with that?
Pain is difficult. It is rarely invited. We try so hard to avoid pain - in our bodies, in our hearts, in our souls. Who goes out looking for pain? Well, maybe people who get tattoos and run marathons, but you get my point. We want to protect ourselves from pain, and we want to protect those we love from pain. Pain is, well, a pain. Has anyone gathered that this post is about pain? So let's talk about it. Because that's something else we don't like to do. If we talk about our pain it makes us appear weak. If we admit that we are hurting in our bodies or our souls we fear that others will grow weary of us or think we don't have what it takes. Besides we are busy. They are busy. The world is busy. And in the words of Sweet Brown in the famous youtube video "Ain't nobody got time for that!" I assure you I didn't have time to deal with my pain. But when you are faced with pain you no longer get to choose if you have time for it.
Pain comes in many forms, but there is one thing you can count on with pain - IT WILL COME. It isn't a matter of IF, but of WHEN we will have to deal with pain. It may come on gradually and intermittently like arthritis or a relationship that feels like a roller coaster. Or it may come at you with blinding force when you least expect it like a sudden injury or a phone call that leaves you frozen on the floor in a puddle of tears. In spite of all the effort we make trying to control everything around us so that we can avoid it, it still will happen. We will feel it. So what do you do with it?
When we look around the world right now and see the anger and bitterness and divisiveness that dominate the headlines, we see the wrong way to deal with pain. But this is a common way. Pain creeps in, it sets up camp, and it owns you. It changes everything about you. It changes how you view yourself, how you view the world. It changes your attitude. It changes your hopes and dreams. People everywhere are taking their pain, and they are turning it into hate. But it doesn't have to be that way. I propose that we each have an important decision to make regarding pain: When faced with pain you cannot eliminate...you can either let it DEfine you or REfine you. And only you can make that decision. The pain is unavoidable. The effects of the pain are up for grabs. You see, this pain in my shoulder, it has its bonuses. I learned from my injury that I cannot do everything. I learned that the world keeps spinning when I am down. I learned that I am surrounded by people who love me and my family. I learned to be thankful that I have access to medical care that allows me to not have to spend the rest of my life with my arm in a sling. But most importantly, this pain reminds me that I am so very dependent on God. My body and everything I have can slip away in an instant. Control is a mirage. Dependence on God is everything.
Now, you may be reading this and thinking "Man this girl is dramatic about a little shoulder pain." And you are right, compared to a lot of the pain in the world this little pain is nothing. Physical pain in many ways pales in comparison to emotional pain. I have walked some painful journeys emotionally and walked through them with people I love. And there is some pain that simply changes you forever. But if we give that pain to God and let Him hold it, that change in us doesn't have to be for the worse. The Bible talks about suffering in great detail. And the message from many passages is that ultimately it makes us better. James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Pure joy? Come on James. For real? It doesn't feel joyful. It doesn't feel joyful when the diagnosis is 3 months to live. It doesn't feel joyful when the pregnancy test is negative for the 23rd month in a row or the ultrasound confirms another miscarriage. James, it doesn't feel joyful when the divorce papers are served or the cancer is back. It doesn't feel joyful when the car accident took the person who had your heart. It doesn't feel joyful when the bank account is negative and the house is in foreclosure. James, where is the joy in getting the call that one of your dearest friends died in her sleep? Where is the joy in having a broken body? James, maybe you got the wrong word. Can we just consider it horrid? Can we just be angry and sad? And we bring these questions to God, and he is big enough to answer them. But he points us back to his son. He KNEW pain. He felt pain. He carried his own physical pain and the pain of every broken and bad decision any of us would ever make. But his pain, it redeemed us. His suffering brought about the hope that changes everything about our pain. When we live our lives for his glory, our pain is never wasted. Our pain brings about a new beauty in our souls that the world needs desperately. The most beautiful souls I have known in this life have often been those with the most tragic stories. How does that happen? Well, it happens because the gave their pain to Jesus. They refused to be DEfined by their pain and chose instead to be REfined by it. And the pain grew into the fabric of their beings and became a beautiful part of who they were. When you train your body it is painful. But the pain brings about strength. The couch is fun...but it won't make you strong. It won't prepare you for the hard times ahead. So what kind of pain are you up against? What is pressing in on you so hard that you think you might collapse? There is a place to take that pain where it will be molded into something beautiful. There is a place for that pain that may not take it away but will make sure that it serves a greater purpose. There is a place where you can go through the worst time of your life and come out the best version of yourself. There is a place where the moments in your life that you never would have asked for can become the moments in your rear view mirror that you wouldn't trade for anything - the moments when you became you and God became real. And this place that takes pain and turns it into beauty is available to you on demand. Take your pain to the feet of Jesus. He is strong enough to bear it. Through his death we have already been DEfined as God's precious children. And until ours we will continue to be REfined into his image.
P.S. I would love to pray for you if you are in a painful time. You can comment here and I will lift up your pain to the Father.
