This Christmas has presented a problem for me. I have found myself not wanting to buy my kids ANYTHING. As the season approached, the stores advertised, and everyone started asking them what they wanted from Santa this year all I could think was "I don't want to buy them anything". Now there is one very obvious reason for this: They don't need anything. Sure there are things they could use. There are things they would enjoy. But did they NEED these things? Not really. They are so fortunate to have their needs met and then some. I was bothered by the idea of getting them more things that they wouldn't appreciate. I have been working all year at trying to simplify our home. I feel like a slave to all of the things we have and have been donating them by the trash bag full. And we still have too much. Having four children who are different genders and ages you just wouldn't believe all of the stuff you can accumulate. I am convinced that even if Brian and I never bought our kids anything they would have too much. They are surrounded by family and friends who love them and shower them with gifts on every Birthday and Christmas. Am I complaining? No! We are so extremely fortunate to have these people in our lives, but my problem still remained. I just didn't want to get them anything. And while the reasons of materialism and space restraints played into my lack of drive I realized last week that something else was at play in my hesitance. And that is what this post is really about.
Last Tuesday I was at home with Brinley. She goes to preschool 3 days a week and is with me 2 days. She has started asking me to play with her a lot when we are at home alone. All of her siblings are at school, and she wants a playmate. Well last Tuesday I sat down to try to play with her in the basement, and I COULDN'T. I don't mean I didn't want to or didn't try to. I mean I physically and mentally could not turn off the to do list in my mind long enough to play with my daughter for 5 minutes. As I sat there and tried to play with her all I could think was "I need to wrap that present. I need to vacuum this carpet. I have to check that email for work. I've gotta figure out what we are eating for dinner. When am I gonna take our Christmas card picture?" I pretended to play while I actually cleaned up anything within arms reach while she played next to me. There was too much to do for me to play with stuffed animals. I actually physically felt myself getting anxious because I was losing valuable time. And then it hit me. I have become so enslaved to my productivity that I can't play. I don't play with my kids anymore. I mean every now and then I do, but it's about 1 out of every 15 times they ask. And I haven't always been this way. When Ty and Ansley were little I played with them a lot. I filled my days with playing with them. But somewhere along the way the demands of my life with a large family became so many that I quit playing. I am doing a bible study right now on Sabbath and rest and all I can think is "When am I supposed to rest?". I even get irritated when it seems that the people around me are resting too much. And why am I mad? Because I feel there is no rest for me. Even when I sit still I can't BE STILL. There is a reel in my mind that never stops of ALL THE THINGS. And believe me, there are a lot of things. Four kids, a husband, a home, a ministry - these are a lot of things. And they are every one good gifts from God. But I have let myself get into a pattern of worry and stress that doesn't let me enjoy the blessings with which I am surrounded. December is the perfect storm for this problem because the demands and activities and special days are even more than usual. And it hit me last week when I COULDN'T play with my 3 year old daughter that the reason I didn't want to buy my kids presents was because I knew in the quiet places of my heart that what I needed to give them was MYSELF.
I mean I thought I was giving them myself. I basically live and breathe to meet their needs. I spend my days making sure they are cared for. I make their lunches and give them baths. I wash their clothes and wash their dishes. I sign the forms and make the party food. I take them to the doctor and cut their fingernails. I help with the homework and plan the birthdays. I show up, and I make sure stuff gets done. And I know those are all good things. I know that. I know that I'm not a bad mother. I know that my kids are blessed to have parents who take care of them. But the ache I felt in my soul last week was the realization that while I was spending all of this time ON them I was failing to spend enough time WITH them. I take for granted tomorrow and the next day. And I realized that I often do the same thing with God. I am a minister. I work FOR God. I do lots of things that are good things FOR God. I strive and strive in my life FOR God. But I rarely take the time to just BE with Him. BEING is just hard for someone who has let their life get so far ahead of them that the thought of stillness feels like a sin. When you are so busy that you feel guilty if you put your feet up and rest there is a problem. We have the best porch ever. It is covered, looks over our beautiful backyard, and has a swing that is actually a twin size bed. It is glorious. And people always say when they see it "Oh wow. I bet you spend a lot of time out there." Nope. I don't. I should. I want to. But I don't. Because I can't make myself be still long enough to enjoy it. And I look at these kids in my home. They are growing so fast. I feel like I became a mom just yesterday, and it has been 11 years. Time is crazy like that - especially when you allow yourself to be harried. And I just wonder how I am going to feel when they are grown and gone. What will I remember? What will I cherish? Will I cherish the clean kitchen and the nutritionally balanced lunches? Will I cherish the to do lists and the hurried bedtimes because I have so much to do? Will I cherish the laundry and demands? Or will I cherish the moments I sat with them? Will I cherish the times we cuddled and played? Will I cherish the moments I let myself just BE with them? I have a sweet and precious friend who buried her 18 year old son a few days after Thanksgiving. She got 18 Christmases with her baby, and then he was gone. And I ache for her, and I think I know what she would tell me about my checklists and busyness.
A week ago I made a decision that I would BE with my kids this Christmas. Instead of turning on Rudolph for them and going to clean something, I would cuddle with them and watch. Instead of planning a full weekend we would make cookies together without being on a schedule. Instead of letting all the demands of December OWN ME, I would own this Christmas with my kids and make memories of BEING together. And it might mean some things slip. I won't bring the most impressive dish to the party. We might not make it to see Santa. We won't be able to squeeze in all the Christmas outings that adorn my Facebook feed. I won't have the perfectly put together house. I might not even get out a Christmas card. Some things might fall through the cracks. And that's okay. Because this year my kids will get some presents from Santa. Thanks to Amazon I was able to rally. But the gift I am giving my kids this year that I hope they will remember the most is that their mom is going to ENJOY Christmas with them. I'm not gonna stand back and watch as I work so hard to make it enjoyable FOR them. I'm going to do it WITH them. All of it. I am going to give myself the gift of Sabbath and of realizing that the Baby in the manger means that I don't have to be everything to everyone. I just have to abide in the One who was everything to everyone. And right there I can rest. And I right there I can enjoy. And right there in that sacred space I can just BE. "The Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'" -Exodus 33:14
