I haven't blogged in a while. And here's the reason - I'm writing a book. I don't know if anyone will ever read it, but the writing of it is cleansing my soul. I'm working on a chapter about beauty and self-image. It has been a challenge to write about something I still wrestle with so frequently, and at the same time it's easy to write about because I have so much experience. I've been exercising a lot lately and eating pretty great, but I haven't really lost any weight to speak of. The frustration of that was getting to me, and today I made an important decision. I threw away my scale. I'll no longer let it be the measure of the woman I am. I will strive for health and joy, not a number I had before I became a mother. Now, because I am wordy and dramatic, I wrote my scale a poem before I sent it up the river, and I wanted to share that with you all because I love you and know many of you have the same struggles. Consider it a little teaser for the book. It will be in this chapter I am currently writing. I hope it helps someone today.
You've owned me now for twenty-six
We've ridden waves, tried each quick fix
By numbers you have measured me
But now it's time to leave me be
You've taunted me at every age
With your report - my beauty gauge
Striving toward each goal I made
My happiness - the price I paid
I grew new life and gave it birth
While you laid there and mocked my worth
I asked you morning, noon and night
How I must look in others' sight
A burdened soul, a tired mind
I'm ready now to leave behind
Worth not in numbers, but in love
My joy complete in God above
So goodbye, Friend - no, Enemy
You never saw the best of me
You can't reflect my love so deep
My sacrifice, the tears I weep
You'll never see my family tree
My Savior broken just for me
You'll never see my bravest fights
Or hold my hand through life's dark nights
You'll never see my heart so full
With husband, children, work and school
You'll miss each laughter and embrace
These lines I've earned upon my face
You measure weight but not true wealth
Your numbers can't define my health
So take your screen with all its scorn
And do not dampen one more morn
You had your chance to make me right
But all you did was blur my sight
Your song of never good enough
Cannot drown out His song of love
You won't define this life I lead
No more self-loathing will you breed
I'll find my worth in smiles I bring
And in each song of love I sing
I'll find my worth in days well spent
In knowing each is heaven sent
But most of all I'll find my worth
Beside the manger at Christ's birth
He left it all, came down for me
He gave himself to set me free
So free my soul from your dark clutch
You've lied and stolen far too much
These foolish things that trouble me
Shall fade into eternity
And when I reach that promised land
No, not on scales - on grace I'll stand.
