The phrase “love yourself” sounds
so simple, but it is so complex for many people. When I hear that phrase these
days, I can’t help but hear the voices of Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, and Meghan
Trainor in my head. What does this phrase mean, and why are pop culture icons
having to tell us to do something that seems so obvious (although JB is just
venting in his song)? I have been thinking a lot about this idea of having self-love
and self-compassion but not being “self-absorbed” in a negative way. Where did
we lose our way so badly that we cannot tell the difference?
Working as a therapist intern,
clients sit in my office so often and are completely worn down. They have love
and compassion for everyone in their lives except themselves. They are
chronically hard on themselves. I work at a Christian non-profit, and while I have
clients from all different backgrounds, I do have a large number of clients who
identify as Christians. It is sad to say that Christians often struggle with self-love
the most. Why? Well, being a life-long Christian myself, I can say that I think
we often misconstrue the messages of self-sacrifice and grace. When you are
raised on lyrics like “such a wretch as I” and acronyms like “JOY - Jesus first,
others next, yourself last,” the message you might get is “I’m the worst, and I
don’t really matter.” We tend to praise people who have no personal boundaries
and take care of everyone except themselves as “the most selfless person I know.”
And we make this the gold standard of Christianity – especially for Christian
women. Where does this get us eventually? It gets us in a therapist’s office in
our 40’s or 50’s (or whenever we can’t take it anymore) talking about how we feel
depleted and lost and depressed – and confused to boot. This was supposed to be
the abundant life. Jesus put others first, and we are supposed to do the same.
Why does this abundant life feel so…dark? People end up wondering, “How did
doing everything for everyone else and denying myself of my own needs lead to a
mental health diagnosis and anxiety meds”? (There is no shame in either of
these things BTW) Many people even remain in abusive relationships because they
believe they are doing the right thing by putting the abusive person above
themselves. And here’s the kicker, lots of people will praise them for this – “You
are so selfless!”.
Do we ever wonder why Jesus commanded
us to “love others AS we love ourselves”? He didn’t say, “love others more than
you love yourself” or “love others and hate yourself.” So, is there an indication
here that loving others well requires loving ourselves first? I think so. It
turns out that someone who views herself as a wretch and a worm does not a wonderful
spouse, mother, daughter, friend, etc. make. Pouring constantly from an empty
cup typically leads to exhaustion, bitterness, and resentment. And when you
have no boundaries of self-care with the people in your life, you are at best modeling
unhealthy behavior and at worst enabling abusive patterns in others.
So, what am I saying? Should we be
selfish? Should we always demand our way? Should we ignore the needs of those
around us? No! Loving yourself does not mean neglecting others. It means
assigning equal value to your life as you do to everyone else’s. Do you want to
make sure your kids have healthy meals and adequate rest? You can prioritize
that for yourself too. Do you want your spouse to get to enjoy fun recreational
activities on the weekend because he works so hard? Great! You can prioritize
that for yourself too. When a friend makes a mistake in her life and is being
hard on herself, do you tell her, “It’s ok. We all make mistakes. You are still
amazing, and I love you.”? You can say that to yourself too! When you look at the
people in your life, do you see them as wretches or as beautiful (if imperfect)
people created in the image of God? The belief that a God who created us as imperfect
people cannot love us because of those imperfections is absurd to me. Loving
others well comes from a place of feeling known and loved by your creator. Being
compassionate with yourself, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, trusting
yourself as a competent person – these aren’t bad qualities. They are
life-giving. They are healthy. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It is
responsible – to everyone. Protecting yourself from those who are harming you
is also not selfish. It is responsible. God gave you the ability to control the
actions of exactly one person. Taking steps to care for that person is wise.
Jesus himself modeled self-care in the gospels. In John 6:15, he fled from the people
that were going to take him by force. In Matthew 12:15, he hid from the Pharisees,
who wanted to harm him. In Matthew 14:13, he withdrew to a solitary place to
process his grief over John the Baptist’s death.
Loving yourself and loving others
are not two concepts that are in competition. They are two concepts that should
be beautifully intertwined. It is a false dichotomy to think that you have to
choose one or the other. Giving to others, taking the needs of others
seriously, helping the people we love – these are beautiful and vitally
important parts of life. But we should all remember that God gave us this one
life to care for and nourish and use. We can and should give ourselves the same
love and compassion that we give to the ones we love the most. And in honoring
the one life that God gave us, we honor him as well. So, in the words of Justin Bieber (used terribly out of context), "You should go and love yourself."
