Presence Within

 

               I had a long conversation with a friend today. It was a really meaningful conversation about a lot of things of a spiritual nature.  The things we talked about have been rolling around in my mind, and I need to sort them out. So, I’m turning to my favorite mode of processing – writing. I’ve been grappling with a lot of things of a spiritual nature for a while now. I haven’t lost my faith or felt estranged from God. On the contrary, I feel his presence closely. But I have massive issues with a lot of the ways he is portrayed to the world by well-meaning Christians. And I have been wrestling with the fact that, being a bearer of God’s image, the way I interact with the world around me matters quite a lot.

               I think this is where we often lose our way in our religious traditions. The thinking goes something like this: “I profess to love God, so I have to be perfect.” Or maybe this, “Getting my religious beliefs correct is so important that I have to dissect the Bible repeatedly until I am CERTAIN that I am doing all the right things.  Then I can tell everyone else what all the right things are and ‘hold them accountable’ to the things I have determined are right. You know, for their sake.” Or maybe it sounds like this, “Jesus died for me, so I owe him a life that is free from sin.” And in our desperation to be “Godly,” we somehow manage to make ourselves God. In our mad dash toward righteousness, we can actually lose what makes us most like Jesus, the ability to see people as whole and beautiful just as they are. And I am afraid that what happens often is that we grow up learning how to manage our images instead of how to manage our hearts.

How many times have you heard someone say or even said yourself, “He just seemed like such a nice guy” or “She always seemed like such a Godly woman,” when someone’s harmful life choices have all of a sudden been unveiled? How many people have you known or heard about that attended church faithfully, taught Sunday school, or maybe even pastored a church that lived a double life for YEARS that no one knew about? How does this happen? We learned how to manage our images instead of how to manage our hearts. When what is harped on in your church or your home is sin, and a list of what constitutes sin, and how angry sin makes God, and how people who love God don’t sin, and how you better know what is and is not a sin, and how sin will get you thrown into eternal torture (even though we also teach that grace is all-encompassing, go figure), you form expectations of yourself that are unrealistic. And when you fall short of those expectations what happens? You experience crippling shame and fear.

When you are taught from childhood by your parents, your church, or others that you are not allowed to make mistakes, guess what? You have no choice but to develop two personas. This may eventually come out in finding out the pastor has been having an affair for 10 years. Or it might come out in a diagnosable mental illness from so many years trying to live two lives – the one where you are perfect and sinless and the one where you are an actual human. Is harping on sin and perfection actually counterproductive to preventing the hurtful behaviors we are trying to prevent? I think so. Maybe the shame spiral and the lack of self-compassion that accompany these modes of religion are, in fact, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts that leave us miserable trying to live up to the “expectations” of the God that actually lives within us.  Maybe we behave miserably because we are miserable in our shame and imperfection. If we would only accept that we innately bear God’s image instead of trying to earn it, might we live in ways that are healthier for ourselves and everyone else around us? I say, absolutely. I have gone through my own transformation and realization of how legalistic thinking caused incomparable damage in my life. And now, I sit in therapy sessions and listen to clients talk about how much shame they feel and how they can’t forgive themselves or love themselves. These deeply ingrained beliefs about themselves came from a harsh interpretation of a good and loving God. And it just breaks my heart.

What does it mean to bear God’s image? It is not a heavy weight that one has to carry on your back. It is the thing that makes you feel so light you could fly. God’s image is not restraining. It is freeing. It is so freeing. What have we done to God’s image that we should wear it like handcuffs? Oh, that we could unravel our doctrine and look at God’s face for just one minute. Everything would change. We would never be the same.

Love Yourself

The phrase “love yourself” sounds so simple, but it is so complex for many people. When I hear that phrase these days, I can’t help but hear the voices of Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, and Meghan Trainor in my head. What does this phrase mean, and why are pop culture icons having to tell us to do something that seems so obvious (although JB is just venting in his song)? I have been thinking a lot about this idea of having self-love and self-compassion but not being “self-absorbed” in a negative way. Where did we lose our way so badly that we cannot tell the difference?

Working as a therapist intern, clients sit in my office so often and are completely worn down. They have love and compassion for everyone in their lives except themselves. They are chronically hard on themselves. I work at a Christian non-profit, and while I have clients from all different backgrounds, I do have a large number of clients who identify as Christians. It is sad to say that Christians often struggle with self-love the most. Why? Well, being a life-long Christian myself, I can say that I think we often misconstrue the messages of self-sacrifice and grace. When you are raised on lyrics like “such a wretch as I” and acronyms like “JOY - Jesus first, others next, yourself last,” the message you might get is “I’m the worst, and I don’t really matter.” We tend to praise people who have no personal boundaries and take care of everyone except themselves as “the most selfless person I know.” And we make this the gold standard of Christianity – especially for Christian women. Where does this get us eventually? It gets us in a therapist’s office in our 40’s or 50’s (or whenever we can’t take it anymore) talking about how we feel depleted and lost and depressed – and confused to boot. This was supposed to be the abundant life. Jesus put others first, and we are supposed to do the same. Why does this abundant life feel so…dark? People end up wondering, “How did doing everything for everyone else and denying myself of my own needs lead to a mental health diagnosis and anxiety meds”? (There is no shame in either of these things BTW) Many people even remain in abusive relationships because they believe they are doing the right thing by putting the abusive person above themselves. And here’s the kicker, lots of people will praise them for this – “You are so selfless!”.

Do we ever wonder why Jesus commanded us to “love others AS we love ourselves”? He didn’t say, “love others more than you love yourself” or “love others and hate yourself.” So, is there an indication here that loving others well requires loving ourselves first? I think so. It turns out that someone who views herself as a wretch and a worm does not a wonderful spouse, mother, daughter, friend, etc. make. Pouring constantly from an empty cup typically leads to exhaustion, bitterness, and resentment. And when you have no boundaries of self-care with the people in your life, you are at best modeling unhealthy behavior and at worst enabling abusive patterns in others.

So, what am I saying? Should we be selfish? Should we always demand our way? Should we ignore the needs of those around us? No! Loving yourself does not mean neglecting others. It means assigning equal value to your life as you do to everyone else’s. Do you want to make sure your kids have healthy meals and adequate rest? You can prioritize that for yourself too. Do you want your spouse to get to enjoy fun recreational activities on the weekend because he works so hard? Great! You can prioritize that for yourself too. When a friend makes a mistake in her life and is being hard on herself, do you tell her, “It’s ok. We all make mistakes. You are still amazing, and I love you.”? You can say that to yourself too! When you look at the people in your life, do you see them as wretches or as beautiful (if imperfect) people created in the image of God? The belief that a God who created us as imperfect people cannot love us because of those imperfections is absurd to me. Loving others well comes from a place of feeling known and loved by your creator. Being compassionate with yourself, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, trusting yourself as a competent person – these aren’t bad qualities. They are life-giving. They are healthy. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It is responsible – to everyone. Protecting yourself from those who are harming you is also not selfish. It is responsible. God gave you the ability to control the actions of exactly one person. Taking steps to care for that person is wise. Jesus himself modeled self-care in the gospels. In John 6:15, he fled from the people that were going to take him by force. In Matthew 12:15, he hid from the Pharisees, who wanted to harm him. In Matthew 14:13, he withdrew to a solitary place to process his grief over John the Baptist’s death.

Loving yourself and loving others are not two concepts that are in competition. They are two concepts that should be beautifully intertwined. It is a false dichotomy to think that you have to choose one or the other. Giving to others, taking the needs of others seriously, helping the people we love – these are beautiful and vitally important parts of life. But we should all remember that God gave us this one life to care for and nourish and use. We can and should give ourselves the same love and compassion that we give to the ones we love the most. And in honoring the one life that God gave us, we honor him as well. So, in the words of Justin Bieber (used terribly out of context), "You should go and love yourself."

              

More Pandemic Thoughts

More random thoughts about this pandemic.  My brain is scattered, and this won’t be the most eloquent writing, but I wanted to jot down a few things.  Most of us are on the struggle bus to some extent.  We may be staying on the bus all day and even sleeping on it (having anxiety dreams anyone?).  We may be functioning well most of the time and taking a 15-minute ride on the struggle bus each day.  Likely, most of us find ourselves somewhere in between.  For example, on any given day with the kids, I feel like I am being a stellar mom in some moments and the worst mom ever in others (anyone else?).  It's a weird time, y'all.  I want to explore a couple of things that I think are having a psychological effect on us that we may not realize and talk about how we can do the best we can right now. 

One of the most disturbing things about this pandemic to me is that we are being told to view basically all other humans as a threat to our own well-being.  The intent in having us stay away from everyone is communal health.  I understand that.  And I even know it is necessary to an extent.  But the psychological effects are real.  When I went to Publix the other day (in my tie-dyed headband mask), it was just so strange to feel like everyone around could be a “carrier” and knowing that they felt the same about me.  I tried to smile at people with my eyes because, well, they couldn’t see my mouth.  Just the fact that we cannot see each other smile is a major loss for our emotional selves.  It is a strange world where everyone is a threat.  It is a strange world when you can’t hug your parents or take someone you love a birthday gift.  We are created with a NEED for community.  We need other people.  This is scientifically proven fact.  Without relationships and without touch, people suffer and may even die. 
With therapy clients I talk about “protective factors” – those things in life that help lead to better mental and overall health.  Especially, if one is dealing with depression or suicidal ideation, protective factors are hugely important.  But they are really important for all of us.  And here is the hard thing about right now- our protective factors are being stripped.  We need community support, relationships, intimacy, purposeful living, fulfilling work, etc.  Some of us can maintain these factors through technology, at least to an extent.  But none of us can completely.  And if you are a person who lives alone and has lost your ability to work due to this pandemic, your protective factors right now are LOW.  We have to admit that this is a hard and strange new world we are facing.

Sooooo, what do we do?  I am trying to remind myself to do a few things right now. 

           1. Be kind to yourself.  Try to find some balance between doing things that make you feel purposeful (because this is good for mental health) while also having realistic expectations and a lot of grace and self-compassion. 

           2.    Be kind to one another.  This is not the time to nitpick your family or roommates.  It will be tempting.  We are all on edge.  That tends to lead to easier frustration.  And there is just So. Much. Togetherness.  Treat everyone in your life like they are going through something hard right now.  How do you treat the people you love when they are sick, are grieving, are adjusting to a huge life transition?  Treat them that way now.  Treat them with the most care and kindness you can possibly muster.  And when you fail to do so (because you will), be quick to say, “I’m sorry”. 
    

                 3.    Get outside and exercise if at all possible.  These two things are saving my life right now.

                    4.  Show physical affection to the ones you have around you.  Hugs and cuddles are important right now.  If you are completely alone in quarantine, this won’t be an option, and I’m so sorry. 

      

                 5.  Remember that the virus is the enemy here.  It’s hard to admit that you are fighting an enemy that you have no real weapons or control to fight.  But the people at the grocery store are not the enemy.  The ones who are still having get togethers that make you angry are not the enemy.  Some people are going to go into bunkers for this thing.  Some people are going to push the limits of what is allowed.  None of them are the enemy.  The leaders who are placing stay at home orders are not the enemy.  We have a common enemy, and everyone is scrambling and trying to figure out what in the world to do about it.  Most likely no one will navigate this perfectly.  Focus on personal responsibility.  Uniting against a common enemy is the best thing we can do.  Every chance you have, show compassion and humility to others - every chance you have.  Fighting each other will do nothing to stop the pandemic and will decrease everyone’s capacity to thrive.  

                6.  Practice gratitude whenever possible.  This doesn’t mean you need to pretend this isn’t hard.  But find things to be grateful for in the hard time.  Write them down in a journal by your bed.  Tell the people you are grateful to why you are grateful to them.  Tell the people you are quarantined with why you are thankful for them (especially when you are feeling frustrated with them).

                7.  Remember that you are resilient.  You have weathered hard times before.  You can weather this one, and eventually you will be on the other side of it.  Not knowing when that will happen or what the fallout may be is one of the hardest things about this whole situation.  Use your support system liberally.  Do not abandon hope.  Hope will keep you from sinking. 

Calmly Engaged

I haven’t written in a while (other than grad school papers).  Life has been a little hectic, as it is for many right now.  But I know that writing is important for me anytime I am dealing with something stressful.  It’s a processing tool.  So, here goes.  The world is a strange place to be these days.  I started out 2020 with these grand plans of what an amazing year it was going to be.  And in many ways it has been, but I would never have imagined that 3 months in we would find ourselves facing the worst pandemic in 100 years and sequestered to our homes to ride it out.  I have gone through the gamut of feelings over the past few weeks – anxiety, sadness, gratitude, calm, fear, joy – you name it.  The first week in quarantine I was so anxious that I could barely eat.  This week I felt calm and got a little too fast and loose with my eating (“Kids, let’s make cookies again!”).  I mean, honestly, what else are we going to do after we finish school for the day?  Before this pandemic started, I felt like a had a very small margin of error in my life with everything I am juggling.  Even something like one of the kids having a sick day would put me behind.  Now my margin of error is in the negative digits.  Managing school for four kids at home, working remotely doing teletherapy with clients, and staying caught up on grad school is no small feat.  But at the same time, I am so grateful for the wonderful home that we have, the time we have had together, and the fact that we are currently healthy and have everything we need.  It is so sad that Wyatt is missing baseball season, Ty and Ansley are missing track season, Brinley may not have Kindergarten graduation, the list goes on and on.  But we are learning something about slowing down and not always being in a hurry to get somewhere, and for that I am grateful.  However, if this thing goes on for months, you may find me rocking in a corner somewhere and crying.  Haha.    

So that was a long intro, but here is what I really want to write about today.  I had a conversation with co-workers today (thank you God for Zoom!) where we talked about helping people find the space between panic and not caring.  And that concept has been on my mind all day.  I’ve been trying to decide what to call that space, and I think the best term I can come up with is “calmly engaged”.  Finding that space is a real challenge for most of us, and here is why I think that is the case.  Panic allows a person to live in the illusion that they have control over the situation.  For instance, with this pandemic, if you are panicked about catching it, you will become fanatic about making sure you don’t catch it.  You will judge all your friends who go buy groceries, but secretly buy all the toilet paper on amazon.  You will believe that no person is safe.  Every person that walks down your street is a threat.  You will believe you can’t touch anything.  You will watch the news around the clock so that you can have every last piece of information so that you can STAY IN CONTROL.  Panic is to some extent a function of the ego and a way to delude oneself into believing that you have more power than you actually have. 

On the other extreme, you have not caring.  What happens with not caring is you convince yourself that you have no control, so you give up.  What this looks like in this pandemic is a person refusing to make smart choices to protect self and others.  It looks like coughing on your roommate or having the whole neighborhood over for a bonfire.  It looks like pretending nothing is happening and everyone who cares is ridiculous.  Not caring is a form of defeat.  Instead of allowing yourself to feel any anxiety, you withdraw from responsibility.  One common defense of this attitude is “God is in control.  There is nothing I can do.  He has already decided what will happen to me.”  And so, you ignore science and data and the people who are begging you to be smart.  Because, well, you just don’t care. 

Being calmly engaged in the middle of these two extremes is difficult, and here is why.  When you are calmly engaged you have to admit two things: I am personally responsible for the decisions I make, AND I ultimately don’t control outcomes.  This is a hard place to live because here you have to be diligent and smart and remain engaged and CARE, but you have no guarantees that any of your efforts are going to pay off in the end.  It is the ultimate gamble.  And yet, this is where healthy people live.  Responsibility meets trusting in something bigger.  Fear can live here, and the calmly engaged person can talk about that fear and move through it.  This is a scary place to be – personally responsible with relatively little control.  But as it relates to this pandemic, and as it relates to life in general, this is where we need to be.  This is where we can breathe.  This is where we are the best neighbors and friends and family members.  This is where we thrive.  This is where societies take care of their people.  The ego quiets down.  The best self steps forward.  This looks like loving well.  And it looks like holding space for when things don’t go the way you planned.  This is an open-hearted way of living that both accepts that you really matter in the grand scheme of things and that you are also small in the grand scheme of things.  Here you rely on God to be ultimately in control, while you do the absolute best you can with what he has given you.  This is being calmly engaged. 

So, as we move through this strange period that is unlike anything we have ever experienced or would have seen coming, remaining calmly engaged is key.  Anxiety is bound to come.  Hard times are here for a lot of people.  None of this is easy.  So, when you feel panic setting in or you feel yourself losing the ability to care anymore, reach out to someone.  Having healthy and loving relationships helps us remain calmly engaged.  We have an opportunity in this mess to love people better than we ever have before.  We have the chance to think about what is important to us and who is important to us.  We can pull one another back to the center when we feel like we are slipping into the extremes.  We can get through this together.  And when we finally get to have cookouts and bonfires and birthday parties and ballgames and playdates and church and school again, we will all be so grateful for the everyday things in our lives that we have so dearly missed.