I haven't written in a couple of weeks. I don't typically sit down at the computer to blog and try to think of a topic to cover. I wait until I get inspired by something in life. I only write when something is running through my mind and heart repeatedly and convicting me. So apparently I haven't been very inspired the last 2 weeks :), but alas, it has hit me. I know I'm not the only one who notices that sometimes God will throw the same idea at you 2 or 3 times in a short period of time because He knows that we won't pick up on it the first time. Well, that happened this weekend.
Friday I was at physical therapy for my shoulder. Physical therapy is such an odd mix of extreme hope and extreme pain. You kind of want to hug your therapist and punch them in the face simultaneously. My therapist is great, but he is still trying to figure out what is wrong with my shoulder so plenty of pain is being inflicted. Anyway, yesterday I was talking to him about what my limitations are. You see, the idea of having to have shoulder surgery makes me want to go into a dark corner to rock and cry. I mean, seriously, I see it going down like this. I have shoulder surgery. I am immobilized in my right arm for 2 months. The children form a mutiny in my helplessness and destroy what little order I have managed to create in the last 10 years. DHS takes said children because I can't clean house or keep them out of the street with my left hand. Brian leaves me for a younger woman who isn't crippled. I never fully recover, and the pain is worse than when I started. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but it would be bad, y'all. My poor mother would definitely have to move in with me for a while, and Brian would have to pull double duty. I use my right arm approximately every 10 seconds in this current life stage so you get the concern. So, I have been trying to protect my shoulder from anything that might make it worse. There is a workout class I have been wanting to try so I was asking my therapist if he thought I could do it even though it uses body resistance. His reply surprised me even though it made perfect sense. "You can try it. If it doesn't produce your pain it's fine. If it is painful don't keep doing it. But, you don't want to practice fearful avoidance." Let me repeat that in case you didn't catch it: "You don't want to practice fearful avoidance." Okay, so put a pin right there and let's move on to the next morning.
My oldest baby (who is about to turn 10!) just started playing basketball. I love basketball! It is my favorite sport by far so I'm pretty excited about this. He had his jamboree yesterday morning - his first game ever. I skipped it because it was at 8:00 at a location 40 minutes away, and they were only playing for 30 min. 80 min of drive time with 4 kids + 30 minutes of watching basketball = no deal. Especially at 8:00 AM. So Brian took him and I got everyone ready for his soccer game at 10:15. Yes, the same child. Before you judge me too harshly about missing his game: I did get all of his stuff ready, wash his uniform, and make him muffins before he left. So, hey, I tried. After the two of them left for the game I was sweeping the floor and started thinking about my own one year basketball career. In the 6th grade I played for the Blue jays. I wouldn't say that I was an especially skilled player (Stop laughing, people who knew me then.). I'm not sure if it was lack of ability or lack of competitiveness that fueled my mediocre performances, but it was probably a mixture of the two. I distinctly remember one game where we went into double overtime against East Cheatham Elementary. The stakes were high, the gym was erupting with cheers, the parents were having tiny heart attacks (I know this feeling now). It was the kind of game movies are made of. Anyway, we won by 2 points in double overtime and were so ecstatic, but I remember just feeling so badly for the other team. The looks on their faces destroyed me. I wanted to give them each a hug and say "You'll get em' next time, Tiger!", but I'm sure that wouldn't have been well received at that time. So competitive nature I lack in, but I love the game of basketball and really enjoyed playing. Well, 7th grade came along and that meant a new school and the Jr. High basketball team. I went to tryouts the first day, made the cut to come back the next day and didn't go back. This day in my life is not something I think about often, but in the back of my mind I have always thought that I just decided I didn't want to play. Well, yesterday morning I remembered with total clarity something that I had long since forgotten. I didn't go back to the second day of tryouts because I WAS AFRAID OF GETTING CUT. I clearly remembered that I was so afraid of getting cut after that second day that I chose to just not go and instead avoid the embarrassment altogether. Of course I didn't tell anyone this, but that was totally my reason. My friends were going to be on the team, and I knew that I wasn't super talented and couldn't bear the thought of them making the cut while I didn't. So I just quit. I avoided the pain that I didn't even know for sure existed and gave up on something that I really wanted to do. FEARFUL AVOIDANCE. Now, I don't know if I would have made that team or not, but I might have had a great time playing basketball with my friends for the next 6 years. As it was, I ended up keeping the stats for the boys team so at least I got to go to all the games and display my nerdy mathematician side. :) I even got to ride the team bus, so there's that.
The message that I received loudly yesterday morning before I was awake enough to process deep thoughts was this: Stop avoiding things because of fear! If I had a list of everything in life that I haven't done because of fear it would be REALLY long. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of injury, fear of regret, etc., etc. There are so many things I have wanted to do in life, but I haven't had the guts to just go out on a limb. There are things right at this very moment that I know I am being called to, but I am just too scared to admit it and take the risk involved. Where is God in this? Do I serve a God who teaches me to cower in fear and only take risks when I have a guaranteed result? Did Paul, Peter, John, Luke, James, John, Stephen not take significant risks (their very lives) as they spread the good news of Jesus. In the Bible over and over again we see God calling people to do things that are scary and require much risk. "Noah, build an ark." "Abraham, leave your home." "Moses, tell Pharaoh to release my people." "Joseph, save Egypt from famine." "Esther, defend your people before the King." "Hannah, take your son to the temple." "Rahab, hide and protect those spies." "Jonah, go to Nineveh." "Daniel, pray anyway." I have never seen a scripture where God said "Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't go out on a limb. Just protect yourself from failure and stay with whatever is easy. Fear is an excellent motivator." No! Instead over and over and over again he says some version of the phrase "DO NOT FEAR". I could literally spend hours typing out all of the verses that support this, but you get the idea. Just google "verses about fear" and then be amazed. Why is it so hard to follow this command? Of course this is most important in areas where God is specifically asking us to take a risk for His Kingdom, but it also applies to the "basketball teams" in life where we just miss out on what could have been a great thing because we are too afraid. So, here's my challenge to all of us this week (and really always): Instead of calculating everything that could go wrong, dream about what could go right. Listen to God's call on your life. Don't be afraid to answer. Don't be afraid to embrace life, and when the failures come - embrace them too! They are a part of our story, a part of the molding that God is doing as He completes His work in us. Fearful avoidance will rob us of the successes in life as well as the failures that we really needed to endure. So do something brave this week! And once I get this shoulder fixed, come on over, and we'll play some basketball!
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