A Year of Becoming

              As 2018 draws to a close and a New Year looms near, I find myself reflecting on 2018 and things I have learned.  It has been a year of immense change and growth, a year of immense pain and intense hope.  I didn't know you could have so much peace in the midst of so much pain or so much hope in the midst of so much uncertainty.  We tend to see these things as mutually exclusive, but they are not.  This year taught me so much about the beauty of authenticity.  I learned this year that when you become vulnerable and honest, you experience a freedom in living that is beyond compare.  The process is painful, like walking through fire and feeling the unnecessary things burn off.  But the reward is great.  When you lay out your cards and stop playing the “everything’s okay” game two things will likely happen.  Some people will be upset that you had the nerve to acknowledge the truth.  You will lose relationships that you never thought you would lose (or wanted to lose).  But this is not the end of the story.  Because when you show your true, authentic self and stop trying to hide the broken pieces of your story, something else happens as well.  The people who truly love you will love you in a way that is more precious than any love you have ever known.  Because now you are giving them the chance to love the real you – all of you.  Not the putting on your best face and pretending everything is good “you”, but the face in the mud dealing with your reality “you”.  You find out that there are people in your life who will hold your hand through your most difficult days and laugh with you when laughter is desperately needed.  You find that some people can accept and love you even if things look messy.  You will grieve the ones who couldn’t love the authentic you.  But you will learn to truly value the relationships that stand the test of authenticity.  And when you are finally at peace with being authentic and real – you will learn to love yourself fully as well.  And suddenly, when you love yourself and you have the freedom to be real, it doesn’t really matter that your honesty is not okay with everyone. 

              Many Christians live their lives in fear of being broken.  We think if there is a bruise on our story, we become less beautiful to God.  I might have said before this year that God’s love was not about my performance.  I might have intellectually believed that was true.  But I didn’t really believe it until this year.  This year I learned in my soul and in the deepest parts of my being that God’s love for me transcends every part of my story.  I have felt his love for me in the most precious ways in the most needed moments.  He has whispered to me over and over again “You are okay, and I am here.”  And those words he has spoken to my heart over and over again have gotten me out of bed in the morning.  There’s something about being honest with God and saying, “I’m at the end of myself here” that allows him into your life in places that he is not welcome as long as you are saying “I’ve got this”.  As a parent, I want desperately for my children to be able to come to me with any situation and be authentic and real.  How beautiful it must be to God when he sees his children live out of their truest selves, refusing to hide from him or anyone else.  I am learning to entrust my story to him completely.  It will not look like the one I wrote in my head and in my heart.  But while grieving the loss of a dream, there is the hope of a future that only God holds.  There is a faith in redemption and a joy in knowing that no matter where life leads – he is there.  And that means it will be good.

              To anyone reading this – I encourage you in the coming year to strive to be authentic.  Be brave enough to be honest with yourself and others about the truth of your life.  Live in freedom, not in bondage to the need for approval.  We can spend our entire lives worshipping the god of approval, which leads to an empty existence full of shallow relationships.  Or we can be authentic and real and live our best lives in truth.  We can love and be loved wholeheartedly.  Authenticity does not come cheaply, nor is it the path of least resistance.  But it is invaluable, and it is the path of most radiance.