Friday, August 25, 2017

An Experiment in Being Different

     Once upon a time there was a 36 year old mother of four.  She went on a weekend girl's trip with her family to celebrate her sister's 40th birthday and made an interesting decision.  She dyed her hair purple.  And so began an accidental social experiment. 
     So, a few weeks ago I did something "crazy".  I cut my hair off and had purple streaks put in it.  I was out of town, away from all the responsibilities of life.  I had been thinking of getting my hair cut short for a while because I have had unexplainable shedding over the past few months.  If you've had a baby you can relate to the concept of postpartum hair loss that occurs when your baby is about 3 months old.  That has been happening to me - only NO BABY.  Maybe getting a puppy has the same effect.  Certainly SHE sheds everywhere.  Maybe it is stress.  But that can't be.  My life is so tame, and I have so few responsibilities (sense sarcasm).  Anyway, since my hair has betrayed me, I wanted to show it who is boss.  So I had planned in my mind that I might get a hair cut on this trip if we happened to be somewhere where there was a salon.  But while we were there I decided that I also wanted purple.  This is where I would normally talk myself out of it very quickly.  I am not an impulsive person.  And that is an understatement.  When making a decision as simple as what to order at a restaurant I usually have to go through a process equally as complicated as rocket science in my mind before I can made a choice.  If I eat that I will have less calories, but if I eat that I will be happy, but if I eat that I will get 20 grams of protein, but if I eat that I will get veggies, but if I eat that I will be hungry in two hours, but if I eat that I will hate myself in two hours.  You get the idea.  Only this is my constant reel about EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION.  I wonder why my hair is falling out?  So, when I decided to make my hair purple I knew I had two options  - 1.  Do it today right now.  2.  Overanalyze it and never do it.  And then we walked past a hair salon in the mall.  And the rest is history.
     Fun side note, when I was 18 I got my belly button pierced.  When I was 36 I dyed my hair purple.  These are the craziest things I've ever done. (Yes I know that's sad.)  So I'm thinking since I buck the system every 18 years I'll just plan for my tattoo at 54.  I'm taking suggestions for designs.  Something that says - I'm still cool, but I'm not trying too hard.  When I was 16 I so kindly (in the way only a 16 year old can) showed up at my parents' gym while they were working out and told them I wanted to go get my belly button pierced today and needed their permission.  In my 16 year old mind this was not a big deal.  I mean my ears were pierced.  What's the difference?  Well, my blind-sided parents didn't feel the same way.  They looked at me like I said "Hey guys.  I'm dropping out of high school.  I'm marrying a hit man in the mafia and moving to New Jersey.  Can you give me $1000 bucks to get started."  Now, the reason they were so shocked was likely because this was uncharacteristic of me, i.e. purple hair.  I was their straight laced, straight A's, church youth group kid.  And suddenly I wanted to pierce my navel.  So the answer was a solid NO.  But as teenagers do, as soon as I turned 18 and was graduating high school I high tailed it to the piercing joint on Charlotte Pike (thank God I'm still alive).  My accessory lasted about one year before it got on my everlasting nerve and I chunked it.  As usual, my parents were right. 
     But back to the purple hair.  I have been trying over the past year or so to have less emphasis on what people think about me and more emphasis on being true to who God created me to be.  I have lived a life of trying so hard to please everyone.  I would make decisions based on what was the least likely to upset anyone, and then after I implemented the decision I would worry myself sick over if I made the wrong one and actually did upset someone.  I would say words in the best way I knew how and then worry the rest of the day that maybe I said that wrong and offended someone.  I have walked this eggshell game for so very long.  There is a level of this game that is important.  I mean, we can't all just say everything we think and do everything we want.  If we did it would be utter chaos, i.e. American right now.  But there has to be a balance in our thinking.  We can be true to ourselves and still be kind to our neighbors.  So when I dyed my hair purple it was really just an outward expression of me saying "It's okay for me to be me.  I don't have to be everyone else's favorite version of me."  And now to the social experiment.
     Watching people's reactions to my new hair has been extremely eye opening for me.  First let's talk about the people who know me and love me: Almost across the board they have had positive reactions.  No doubt some people think it is weird, but unless I am mistaken no one who has a close relationship with me has changed the way they feel about me because my hair looks different.  I have felt love and approval, even if the occasional joke slips in.  No one who REALLY knows me cares that I have purple hair.  They see the actual me beneath the exterior. 
     Now let' discuss people who don't know me.  I have gotten more attention in the form of stares than I am comfortable with.  The day after I did it I was walking through the airport and wanted an invisibility cloak.  People just look at you like they are trying to figure out your threat level or why anyone would do such a thing.  A few strangers (all women) stopped me and told me they loved my hair.  One of them was an alternative looking African American young woman, and I thought it was so cool that my hair allowed me to strike up a conversation with her.  Across the board having purple hair gave me instant credibility with some people and instant disgrace with others.  I am very intuitive.  I usually read people pretty accurately.  And if my reading is correct, there are a lot of people who instantly liked me and an even larger amount who instantly didn't when they saw my hair.  Often times this falls into the younger people/older people category but not always.  But I have found myself at times wanting to look at a person and say, "It's okay.  I'm a mom of four and a children's minister in Seminary.  I'm really not a threat to you or your way of life."  Our oldest son started a new Christian school this year, and my haircapades happened the week before he started. (He really appreciated that.  Not.  Not at all.)  It's against the school rules for students to have crazy hair colors, so walking into all the first week meetings was fun.  Most people were very friendly, but I got some strange looks and even overheard one couple talking about me at orientation.  I have super sonic hearing - so be careful people.  And I just kept thinking "These people don't know me.  When they do they will like me." (Hopefully!) 
     Today I am getting my hair dyed a normal color.  I would like to keep the purple longer, but once again my hair has turned on me.  The purple is fading so quickly that now many of my streaks are just white bleached hair - which is not what I was going for.  I have to wash my hair every day or I look like a person who has rubbed fried chicken and Vaseline all over her head.  Sometimes I wash it twice a day if I exercise at night.  Positives: My hair is super clean.  Negatives:  My hair won't stay purple.   So today (if the hairdresser can fix my current mess) I become a normal, blending member of society again.   And on that note, here are my ultimate conclusions to my accidental, unorganized social experiment:

1.  We make constant judgements about people we don't know.  It is instant.  Our eyes see a person, and we immediately compare them with our own experiences/beliefs and make a pre-decision about them.  And the more different they are from us, the more threatening they appear.  Our brain says "If they are different from me they must think there is something wrong with how I am".  This is unspoken.  We don't even know we are doing it.  It is like a reflex.  This is true of all of us.  This is true of me.  This is what is currently wrong with our society.  This is something we need to be fighting against EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  We can only do that if we admit it and are aware of it. 

2.  Relationship changes perception - EVERY TIME.  When you take time to get to know someone you are able to appreciate them for who they are.  When you are in relationship with someone you know their heart.  When you know their heart, their hair is inconsequential.  This is also what is currently wrong with our society.  We have shallow unmeaningful acquaintances, and we interact with them as if we know them because of all the social media in our world.  But we don't know them.  And we place judgements on them based on a sentence or a post without ever sitting down to have coffee with them.  This is not okay.  We cannot have a deep relationship with everyone.  Ain't nobody got tome for that.  So let's curtail our judgements for those whose hearts we don't  know.  I think the rule should go something like this: If I don't know your middle name - I'm not allowed to assume anything about you."  Fair enough?  I think so. 

3.  Being different is really hard.  Being genuine is really hard.  I have grown mad respect for people who do what they want with their appearance (or life) and don't care what anyone else thinks.  Opening yourself up to that kind of instant judgement without being known in order to be true to who God made you to be is incredibly brave.  Maybe I don't like the half-shaved head look.  Maybe I don't like tattoo sleeves.  But guess what - if you do and it makes you happy it's none of my business.  My job isn't to police the world and determine if everyone is walking in a straight line.  My job is to love the world like crazy in the name of Jesus.  My job is to look PAST whatever is in front of my eyes and see with my heart - my heart that has been taken over by the love of God.  Being different isn't wrong.  The ones who aren't afraid to be different are some of the bravest, kindest, most genuine people around us.  Respect the differences.  Don't be intimidated by them.  Love the soul, not the appearance.  The Bible says man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.  Want to be more like God - look at the heart.  Nuff said. 

So goodbye purple hair!  Now I won't have to try to match you with my outfits.  Now I won't feel like I have to explain my life choices to strangers.  But I'm not gonna lie.  I'll kind of miss the edge.  :)

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