A Word to Moms of Babes

     I saw you at the grocery store trying to calm your daughter while she screamed, and you looked so embarrassed.  I saw you at the Doctor's office looking exhausted and holding your sick baby, and I knew neither of you had slept in days.  I saw you at my bible study nursing your baby in one arm and taking notes from the video with the other.  I saw you at the ball field trying desperately to watch your older child while your youngest one climbed all over you and adorned your clothing with the snack you gave him for distraction.  Maybe you are just glad to know someone SAW you.  At this stage we tend to feel either invisible or way too visible.
    It has been on my heart all week to offer some encouragement to mothers of babies.  For my purposes I would define this stage as being from the literal moment of conception (because that's when the figurative crap hits the fan) until your baby turns two.  In the past 10.5 years I have spent exactly 11 months not in this phase with one child or another so I think that gives me some street cred here (Insert dorky mom gang sign-which might just be covering your mouth like you're yawning.)  It occurred to me this week that in 2 months I will be officially out of this stage (Did someone hear angels singing?).  The realization was both exciting and saddening at the same time, and I've been reflecting on some of the lessons I've learned (mostly through failures) during this precious, blessed, exhausting time of life.  So whether you are expecting your first child or are chasing your fifth toddler through the yard, here are some words of advice/encouragement for you that were learned the hard way.
     1.  Slow it down, Sister.  Life is a rollercoaster spiraling out of control these days.  Everyone, everywhere will demand your time, and many will pay no creed to the fact that you are growing/nursing/chasing a baby around.  Get really good at saying no to demands that will put a strain on your family and really good at choosing your "yeses" to be the ones that will bring life to your soul and to your family rather than bringing angst and stress.  It took me a long time to learn this one because I was born a "pleaser"(aka middle child), but if your "yes" is motivated only by guilt then you aren't doing anyone any favors.  When your "yes" is motivated by desire or the leading of the Spirit you will bless everyone involved. I would take back in a heartbeat a lot of the things that I agreed to do during these years that put strain on our family or on my marriage just because I didn't want to disappoint someone.  Your first responsibility is your family.  Period.  Don't feel badly about that.  Spend hours (I mean HOURS) just holding your baby, because there really is a finite amount of time until that baby will no longer need to be held.  Take naps without feeling guilty.  Sleep is a precious gift during these years and should be treated just as importantly as a clean house or a completed to-do list. Take it from the woman who has had shingles 3 times in the past few years due to just being too run down.  Take time to just enjoy being a mom.  When the days grow long and weary, stare at your amazing tiny gift and just marvel at God's goodness.  Life really is a miracle.  There is so much joy to be found in these years if you just let yourself breathe.
     2.  Expectations are your enemy.  We all enter this motherhood thing with a thousand ideas about how things will be - what our kids will look like, how our spouses will parent, how our bodies will "bounce back" just like Jennifer Aniston's did on Friends (because her "baby" was a pillow), how our labors will go smoothly (Ah, five page birth plan for my first child that got chunked.) and our pregnancies will be magical and fairy dust will surround us as we "glow" so radiantly, how our kids will NEVER act like THAT, how WE will NEVER parent like THAT, and how all of our kids will make straight A's and never sass us or tell us we are "ruining their life"(If your kids never say this you may indeed be ruining their life.)  I have learned that almost every time that I say "never" I eat those words.  Our ideas of how things will be can leave us dreadfully confused and disappointed when it just doesn't pan out that way.  I have been the queen of unrealistic expectations for most of my life.  I have placed them on the people I love the most, which is just sinful.  But more often I have placed them on myself.  "My house should be cleaner, my kids should be nicer, my cooking should be healthier, my jeans should be looser, I should be volunteering more, I should have finished that book", and on and on and on.  Nothing makes me feel more insecure than thinking that I am screwing up this parenting gig.  But guess what - I am screwing up this parenting gig, and so is every other flawed human being on this planet.  None of us are going to do this perfectly so grace must abound.  Grace.  It is the juice of life - grace with yourself, grace with your spouse, grace with your children, grace with your friends, grace with your family, grace with your enemies.  GRACE!  Expectations = Disappointment.  Grace = Jesus.  I choose the latter. 
     3.  Your deal is your deal. You have probably heard the phrase "comparison is the thief of joy".  In no arena is this more true than motherhood.  It starts with pregnancy.  If I had dollar for every time I was pregnant and wanted to cry when I saw a 5'9" woman who was pregnant and still had recognizable arms and could wear skinny jeans I would be rich.  When you are 5'1" you start showing as soon as sperm meets egg and every part of your body explodes with pregnancy.  I could be vomiting 10 times a day and still gaining weight (Thank you genetics.  You're the best.).  Then infancy came and I found myself thinking "Why does my baby cry all the time(seriously) and their baby is perfectly content?  I must be doing it wrong!"  And don't even get me started on the notion that one can "have it all".  You may know a woman who seems to juggle everything perfectly, but I assure you she does not.  This woman who is able to juggle work, kids, household, marriage, family, church, volunteer work, etc., etc., etc. without letting at least one area struggle is fictional.  Maybe your friend manages to hold down a full time job and be a great mom, but her husband has a flexible work schedule and her mom lives next door.  Her deal is her deal.  If your husband works 60 hours a week and your family lives 1000 miles away you may not be able to hold down even a part time job.  That is your deal.  If we spent less time wishing we had someone else's deal and more time praising God for all of the blessings we have in our own deal this world would be a much more beautiful place.
     4.   What you are doing is REALLY, REALLY important.  Pregnancy is hard.  Like really hard.  Now I know there are some of you who had magical pregnancies with a 25 pound weight gain and never a twinge of nausea, and I still love you (because Jesus says I have to), but for most of us it is really hard.  Your body has been taken over by an alien life form and you spend 9 months trying to appease that precious one.  Infancy is hard.  Really hard.  The baby needs you ALL.THE.TIME.  You are on 24 hour call for this tiny human and are completely responsible for his/her wellbeing.  Again, some of you brought your babies home from the hospital and they instantly slept through the night, nursed like champions, only cried when they were hungry, and played chess with you on the weekends.  And we are happy for you, REALLY.  But if you are one of the lucky ones finding it all a challenge, you are not alone.  Having a toddler is hard.  Really hard.  You can't so much as go to the bathroom without worrying that you are risking the life of your little darling who takes total advantage of the situation.  A quick phone conversation can have you cleaning marker off the wall for hours.  Everything on the planet suddenly looks like a choking hazard.  Keeping them safe is completely exhausting.  I remember praying with my third child that God would just keep him alive each day because I was certain that I couldn't do it.  This job of motherhood demands your very best.  It demands your undying devotion.  It demands a large portion of your life.  And it is so very, very, very worth it.   What you are doing may sometimes feel insignificant or mundane, but, Sister, this is God's work.  You may feel like you are lagging spiritually.  I remember last year when Brinley was still not sleeping through the night(it took 14 months), and I would open my bible study homework and just stare at it and think "I am too tired to even have a complete thought, and I have to lead the discussion on this tomorrow."  So I would just stare at it for a while and then do my best to pull something out of it.  It is okay that you don't have the mental capacity or energy to debate theology or read a commentary.  Every diaper you change, every cuddle you give is your spiritual act of worship to God.  You are loving His child.  You are furthering His Kingdom.  You are laying down your life.  That is what He asks of you.  Be very proud of the work you are doing.  And when someone asks "what you do all day" bite your tongue and show them some grace.  They just don't get it. 
      5.  The fog will clear.  You may feel like you will be living in a fog for the rest of your life, always exhausted and never quite the person you once were.  You won't.  Somewhere around when your baby turns 2 you will start to feel like you again.  You will have more energy and more clarity of mind.  Life won't feel so restrictive all the time and you will be able to do more things.  But, when that happens, get ready.  You just might start wanting another baby. :)