Kindergarten

   

     Something big happens in our family tomorrow.  Wyatt starts Kindergarten.   It's been a long time coming.  I mean technically he could have started last year, but I didn't think he was ready.  He was great socially at preschool, but he still colored like axe murderer and he got his letters and shapes and whatnot confused pretty regularly.  Another year of pre-k seemed like a good idea and was wonderful for him.  So since, I have to let him start school now or face legal action for negligence I figured this one would roll off my back.  Psh....no problem.  I've done this twice before.   The first time was horrible.  The WORST.  The second time hurt, but not nearly as badly.  But the third, well, surely I've got this thing licked.  I even bragged to my friends about how together I was when I took him to Kindergarten testing last week.  "Those other moms were crying.  Rookies."  I proudly smirked at the "boohoo breakfast" advertisement and thought "I won't be crying."   I've been pretty excited about our new routine and the added time in my schedule to do all the things that I am behind on.  ALL THE THINGS.  There are SO MANY things.  But anyway, I was so ready for this.  .........And then tonight came.     Wyatt has been a little out of sorts and anxious about school starting for a few weeks, but tonight he just broke down sobbing when I was laying down with him tucking him in.  He is terrified to go to school.  He doesn't want to go.  He is afraid he can't make friends.  He doesn't want me to make him go.  And here I am right back in this Mommy place of heartbreak for your child.  Everything they feel you feel with them, and your heart is inexplicably tied to their struggles.  And I find myself begging God to let him have a good day tomorrow, and I'm having a hard time going to bed.  This motherhood thing.  It's not part-time.  There isn't a second that you don't have a concern for one of your kids.  There isn't a day that goes by where you don't feel something they are feeling.  When they hurt you ache, and when they are happy you beam.  They have your heart.
     And I am thinking tonight about God.  The perfect parent.  And how He calls us to new things.  How He asks things of us that are uncomfortable and scary sometimes.  How sometimes life feels like Kindergarten.  And I just know that He cares so deeply about our "new things".  He aches when we ache, and He "sits up" with us when we are scared.   Last year I stood on the edge of "Kindergarten".  There were so many changes that would occur in my life, and I cried so much because I didn't want to let go of my normal and my plan and my routine.  I didn't want to make new friends.  And what if no one liked me?  And what if I failed at that job?  And I liked my life how it was.  And I didn't see the need for change.  But all along God was saying "You'll be fine.  Trust me.  You need to go to Kindergarten."  And for this person who likes the familiar and predictable it just didn't sound appealing.  But at the same time there was something very appealing about it all.  Could life actually be more simple?  Could we consolidate all of the major parts of our life into one small community?  Could I use gifts God has given me to minister to children in that community?  When everything in the world screams bigger and better could smaller and quieter be just what we wanted for our family?  Could we live on a farm and enjoy it?  Could we refuse to run our life always at a break neck pace in favor of something a little calmer?
     It's been a year of letting go and a year of embracing.  A year of tears of heartbreak for what is behind and a year of smiles and joy for what is gained.  A year of remembering on some basic level who I am and finding a peace that I had lost somewhere along the way.  A year of being grateful for where we are and for everything that brought us here.  A year of knowing I cannot take my friends or family for granted.  A year of seeing my husband happier than I have seen him in a long time.  A year of seeing my kids thrive in the smaller, the quieter.  A year of realizing that God doesn't ask us to give up things to hurt us.  He asks us to give up things to bless us.  And when we loosen our grip enough to let him take the wheel He will always drive us to exactly where we need to be.  And He even patiently lets us take little breaks on the trip when we question where on earth we are going.  Then He keeps on driving us to the place where He blesses us.  He is a Good, Good Father, and our new beginnings are never in vain when they are in Him.  His plans are rarely painless, but they are always perfect.
     So tomorrow when Wyatt heads into Kindergarten I will empathize with how he is feeling.  But I will trust that God has great plans in his new beginning.  I will have faith that He will be with him all day even when I cannot.  I will even TRY to walk out of there without tears if it's possible.  And I will remember all of the "Kindergartens" that God has brought us through and thank Him that He never leaves our sides.  -So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." _Isaiah 41:10